Do you know what my kids had for lunch? Abe had popcorn, Sprite and Whoppers. Rosie had popcorn, Sprite and Sweet-tarts. Would it kill Landmark and AMC and the rest of the movie theater owners to offer real, honest-to-goodness food? I'm not trying to be the worst mother in the world. I'm not trying to be Alice Waters' nightmare. I honestly would much rather give the kids something with, oh, a single gram of protein.

Put in a burrito stand! How hard would that be? Sure, it would stink up the theater, but no more than on an airplane with everyone snarfing up their onion-laden gag-or-rama lunches and suppers. Or, all right, no burritos. What about In-and-Out Burger? They have trucks, surely they can manage a corner of the popcorn counter! Or failing that, airport food! Even a dried out caesar salad. I'd take that. But honestly, one more meal of Sour Patch Kids and DSS is going to remove my kids from my custody.